My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
