You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
