How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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