That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
