I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
