Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
