my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
