Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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