and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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