no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
