I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize