you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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