I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
