You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
