Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
