lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
