sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
