i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
