after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
