Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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