I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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