My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
that is very illegal...i love you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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