I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
