I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
