I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We are all done wearing pants today
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