2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
