is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
