Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
