My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
