I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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