I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
