I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
