I'm lost and stupid without you.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Randomize
