i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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