btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
