sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
