swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
