No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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