Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
