After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
