Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
