Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
