just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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