sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
im holly from the hills drunk
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
