I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
