Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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