is your mom at the bar?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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