you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
