So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
bring money and cleavage
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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