I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Houston, we have a blender
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
