i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
