I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
two words...techno handjob
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
