new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
