turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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