Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize