Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
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