ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
