Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
