Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
