my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I understand Curling. That high.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
