i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
