Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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